A View of Grief

When someone you love has a terrible illness, you don't plan for them to die - at least I didn't. You focus on giving them hope for each day they have left, love in the moments of heartbreak and grief for what they've lost, grace in the ugliness of pain and gentleness in their fragility.
The thing is you don't just do this for them; you do this for yourself too. You do this so you can fight the fight, so you can survive alongside them while you try to be strong, encouraging and always hopeful.
Inevitably there will be an end to the fight - it's that way for all of us. But still it knocks you to your knees and then enters grief.  Grief is a void ... where love once lived there is now an empty space ... the view is colorless, it feels disjointed, isolating, and raw.

A View of Grief
oil on canvas

The day after I got home from buring my brother, I was on my knees sobbing. I had no words to talk to God about what I was feeling. So I said - You know, I know you know, it hurts ... and this is the vision that came to my mind. A colorless scene of disjointed, crowded buildings and lines. I was full of deep reds, all churning inside me and as I walked the street my feel left footprints from my raw and aching heart. 

I've been feeling the burn of the Holy Spirit telling me to get it out so I did my best at putting a moving vision onto a still canvas.  

Untitled Musings

  This piece is the marriage of childhood memories, an inspiring song and a specific color scheme.  It didn't quite take shape as I had originally envisioned but that tends to be the story of my art life  - or just my life in general.  I first had the idea I would like to do an abstract piece with specific colors to fit with my living area.  Unfortunately, I have yet to get to the place in my artistic self where I can let a squiggle be just a squiggle, a blob just a blob, etc.  So on to another idea - a couple of photographs from the Yakima river which brought back good memories of my childhood and the beauty of Eastern Washington. The thing was, I really wasn't digging on a straight landscape....Hmmm....so on went the tunes and out came the paint brushes and palette knives. Right about this time, I was completely obsessed with Rhett Walker band and when Come to the River came on the ipod I shamelessly hit repeat until it played on auto in my head for weeks. At one point while singing along, I painted the verses into the layers of water - if you look close enough at the original you can still see it in some places. For some reason the twists and turns this piece took and the random words I can just barely glimpse in the water make me happy - I think the twists and turns remind me of my life and the words peeking out of  the surface layers remind  me of my deeper foundation in Christ.
So now this big girl is hanging on my wall, grabbing attention as soon as the door is opened and generating lots of questions and conversation.  She really needs a name...

Untitled
4ft x 5ft Acryic on Canvas

Building Bridges

Have you ever done something you really didn't want to do but you did it because you love the person who asked you to do it? If  your answer is "yes!" then you can relate to where I was coming from while working on this piece of art. One of my sons asked me to paint him a scene of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco.  A perfectly fine request except I really, really don't like painting pieces of architecture - the straight lines kill me. So, because I love my son (and let's be truthful - he wouldn't quit asking for it or change his mind and pick something else) I took on the dreaded Golden Gate...



Noah's Golden Gate
oil on canvase 20X24

I had to push myself through this piece - not just because I didn't like the subject matter (did I  mention straight lines are certain creative death!) but also because of all this piece became in my head. Paramount to my head space is that my son is very ill. He's dealt with debilitating illness for over a year and half now with no answers from traditional doctors and non-traditional medicine. We've traveled down roads that have lead us to too many medical tests, hospital visits, doctor, accupuncture, and osteopathy appointments to count. Along these pathways, we've battled mightily with road blocks of depression and anxiety. Through all of this, there are no words I can use to describe the depths of where I've been - how it effects every aspect of reality and dream. There is a point where human comfort is ineffectual, prayers become uncomfortable and helplessness settles in the bones. There are many days when the weight has been so heavy, the "what if's" become so big that I could hardly breath and in those moments all I've been able to do is ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for me because there are no words, just raw helplessness before His throne. Moment by moment, step by step, The Lord has been leading me down these roads and as I look back I realize each step has lead me over bridges...bridges that span the gap between my unbelief to a place of trust, from tumultuous fear to contentment in my circumstances, from doubt that He loves me truly to clear sight in how He does.  So, I've decided bridges are good.  And as painful as it may be, I keep praying God continues to build bridges in me and that he will use these circumstances to build bridges in my son. And if you've just read this, You've been prayed for - that bridges would be built in you, too.  

Easy Street

I have not posted in what seems like forever.
Lots has been going on which took me away from art for months and months.  The life things going on were deep - are deep - and it took much effort to want to come back to art as a safe place.  That is the first time in my life I've had to make a concerted effort to woo myself back. Strange that. But woo I did.
I been working on portraits of friends.  I've painted them according to how I see them in my head and feel them in my heart. It has been challenging and easy at the same time.  Challenging, becuase I am hopelessly impatient and refuse to do anything but eyeball it and go with the flow.  Easy becuase it hasn't required any emotional out pouring. This last thing has been important lately.  Art on easy street is a new thing for me.  I don't know how long I will stay here but the visit is nice.

Washed By the Water

Don’t you just love it when something comes together when you didn’t really expect it to?  That’s how I feel about today’s art.  Last night, I started yet another piece to help me deal with a recent less than wonderful experience.  I left that encounter very disturbed by humanity and how very far we are from God’s intended design in how we treat one another.  The ugliness of that place lingered and aside from the obvious I couldn’t understand why.  Until I asked God – Ha, why is it I always try to figure it out on my own first! With His wisdom it became clear, once again, I was choosing to believe in the lie which tells me I am a failure.  I had this vision of a person kneeling on the bible as their foundation, broken and in need, while the cleansing water of God’s grace and forgiveness washed their sins away.  

This is my attempt to paint what he brought to my mind. It is based on: Hebrews 10:22-23 “let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”  

Washed By the Water
16x20 Acrylic on Canvas

He is faithful.  All he requires is a sincere and repentant heart and He will wash us clean. Amen!    

* Sorry the picture is a bit unclear and poorly cropped - the writing on the bible is Hebrews 10:22-23

In Progress

I've been working on a few pieces lately - as the mood strikes. I guess that is why none of them are finished. I've had a battle with the roller coaster lately - or rather the battle to not get on the roller coaster - so I decided to start yet another piece today to sort out my head. It's a combination of scriptures which have spoken deeply to me and a "vision" given to me during prayer. Vision is such a weird word but I don't really have any other way to describe how God communicates to me in color, pictures and emotion. I often wonder if this happens for anyone else; the mysterious, undefinable burst of technicolor images that flood me with feeling so deep it's like my very core was touched with the softest of whispers. Every once in a rare while they even come with scents; it's the craziest thing, my head.
So this is the beginning:

Still lots to do...maybe again tomorrow. Or, I will work on one of my other pieces. My abstract on grace has been on my mind quite a bit. It's been a bit neglected - roller coasters are not good for abstracts on grace. Well, unless maybe you're painting a abstract roller coaster which I'm not. So, no es bueno.

Hmmm...we shall see what tomorrow brings.
 

Questions, So Many Questions

Recently, I began working on a painting with no destination in mind – just thinking about some hard life questions.  As I worked at the canvas, slowly squiggles and lines evolved into the shape of flowers and bright colors turned to dark, bold colors. I decided to accept what it had evolved into, not because I really like what came out, but because I realized the process spoke to what was going on in my head at the time.   




Acceptance
16x20 Acrylic on Canvas

 

This piece is about acceptance - who I am, where I’ve been and where I am now.  And probably most importantly for my head, acceptance that I am NOT the sum of my mistakes and failures – these things do not rule me. When I come before my Lord with a repentant heart, I am set free.

It has been said to me “history is the best predictor of the future”; I didn’t like it much because honestly it seemed to me a way for the person to point out my defects and hold them against me. I’ve had time to think about that saying and I’ve decided I like it – a lot. I would have been wise to keep this in mind long ago, not because I will never be more than my mistakes (if that’s the case then why bother with the cross and the whole Jesus/salvation thing?) but because it reminds me that without daily choosing to submit to God and his will for my life I will repeat my history, without acknowledging my weaknesses I will never be filled with the power of the Holy Spirit which gives me the courage and strength to enact change. I accept that I am guilty of many hurtful words and actions. I accept there will be times of growth and times I will fall again -  only with God’s grace will I stand. I accept that God is writing a new story in me which He is the author of – I just need to walk where He leads.