Fear & Trembling

Life has a way of getting busy and taking me away from the easel.  But she always calls me back and today she was shouting my name with a lot of force. This is probably because I had to revisit some hard growth steps today – oh, the people pleasing, co-dependent, enabler in me lives on – uhg! The good news is I choose to persevere in letting go of destructive thought patterns and reactions.  I am reminded (by a beautiful friend) that growth is a process lived out over time – and so today I will be encouraged that I caught my thoughts before they took over, acknowledged them to myself, God and another who can hold me accountable. Yep, growth in following God where he leads is a process which I’m learning often takes courage day by day and sometimes even minute by minute.  This leads me to the third piece of three I did for the November show.  This piece is different in that it’s multi-media.  Why – I don’t know – sometimes art just flows that way, I guess. This piece speaks of my frustration with myself and my choices, of fear that I will never get this life thing right, fear that I will always see myself as broken and unworthy…

Beautifully Imperfect
12x12

These are the words (poured out one afternoon to my art sisters) to this piece:

Consumed with the fire that’s melting me away
Piece by piece, bit by bit

Still hoping for the day

I’m brave enough to leave this pit behind

And I am scared of what isn’t there

How long till I figure this out?

How loud do I have to shout?

Beautifully imperfect seems what I am destined to be

Desperation, fear whisper in my ear

Telling me what I strain for is out of reach

Glimpses that come and go like the tides of the sea

Leaving me alone with nowhere to fall but my knees

And I am scared of what isn’t there

How long till I figure this out?

How loud do I have to shout?

Beautifully imperfect what I am destined to be

My head, oh it’s a crowded place

What’s dying is fighting hard to stay

Struggling intensely to embrace

The undefined gray of me

And I am scared of what isn’t there

How long till I figure this out?

How loud do I have to shout?

Beautifully imperfect it’s what I am destined to be

I still struggle with the imperfection of me but thankfully not as hard as that day. I know God sees the beauty in my imperfections because He sees the heart to follow him behind it.  So with God’s grace and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit I will continue to live out my faith with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12) knowing that perfection is not my goal but instead following Christ to the places which make me uncomfortable, the places I can’t see or understand…and trusting He will make something beautiful out of my obedience.